Edward SNEShands

Some shit and stuff. There's a goddamned whale at sea that must be fought.

Two SNESs attached to hands via duct tape. Must collect two copies of Shaq Fu and insert them and power on to bring the apocalypse.

Along the way, fights for one copy which turns out to be Sega, is pissed and flips out.


??? Edward SNEShands
??? Ed's Wife
Caine Jackson Ed's Son
??? Evil Face
??? Game Store Manager
??? Wage Slave 1
??? Wage Slave 2
Caleeh Abdul-Rahmaan D-Boss
Christopher Walken Charles Barkley
??? Maskingo
??? Hitman/Henchman 1
??? Hitman/Henchman 2

Loose Story

We see unassuming Ed. Your typical middle class citizen, only he has two Super Nintendo Entertainment Systems for hands. He has a wife and son, a good job, and some friends. Boring…

Kitchen bit where Ed explains to son that he was robbing a house and a woman in the bedroom startled to wakefulness, exclaiming “You can fuck me all you want, just let me live!”. “And that's how I met your mother.”

Ed is tossing and turning in his sleep. Dream sequence (brainwashing/programming) to initiate apocalypse-bringing. We see Evil Face, an apparition with NESs for hands, telling Ed to combine two copies of the worst video game ever made on the console which he was cursed with (Shaq Fu) in order to destroy the world dat fucked him/us. Face is dead or for some reason cannot destroy the world himself.

Ed arises from bed and slaughters his family and friend(s). Proceeds to game store to find a copy, several do not carry it. Finds a store with a copy, but it is highly secured and the manager will not sell to anyone. Hiding the reason for its secrecy. Init boss battle one.

The cartridge acquired, Ed flees to his car but is pursued by the manager's wage slaves from the game store (Or maybe pig detectives, if they don't come in later) and a car chase ensues. Eventually SNEShands outsmarts/outdoes them, killing them as they writhe, injured, in their car. Or he simply gets to the next place he is going, gets out, and kills them.

Meanwhile, we see D-Boss leaving a meeting at his complex where he receives word that a crazed man with SNES hands has acquired the secured copy of Shaq Fu. D-Boss has the only other copy left in existence and realizes something bad is in the works. He dispatches Maskingo and hitmen/hitsquad to take care of the growing problem. Evil laughter.

Ed is driving, deep in introspection/thought, trying to break through the brainwashing/programming. Evil Face appears and re-solidifies the mission back into his head. He grips the wheel and accelerates. He looks up and almost hits someone, slamming on the brakes. Recovering and looking again, it is Maskingo, obviously out to get him. They fight, he learns of D-Boss and the whereabouts of his complex where the last copy of Shaq Fu is guarded.

Halted by hit squad outside of D-Boss's complex, big fight


Fish-covered grease
One copy is Sega, Ed is pissed. This comes into play before or after Boss 1?
Someone gets sledgehammered while on the shitter
Cops/Detectives (plainclothes), etc. Mustang = Cop car?

Ed gets game cartridge one at the end of boss battle 1 and gains the power to fry people with electricity a few hundred feet away with one of his hands as well as the ability to use basketballs as lethal weapons. The pigs show up so he uses his newfound powers to kill most of them and steal a cop car. A couple of the college basketball team dudes are in a ricemobile and start lethally firing b-balls at ed in his car, while swat is bustin out more pigsmobiles and a couple helecopters. Enter boss battle two, Contra-style.

Meanwhile Charles Barkley (played by Christopher Walken), the unknown owner of the last true copy of Shaq-Fu on SNES, gets out of an interview and receives a mysterious call from “Mr. B. Jones”. The prophecy shall be fulfilled. Charles makes some calls and gets some college b-ball team to track Ed down to the shop.

edward_sneshands.txt · Last modified: 2014/03/07 09:07 (external edit)